My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
