Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Randomize
