Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
