Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
