My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
