Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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