Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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