I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
