When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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