hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
