I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
