I just saw a hot homeless man
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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