Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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