I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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