my soul wont recognize me after tonight
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize