you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
