So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
