I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
