Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
