my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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