i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
