Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
