Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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