Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
