mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I think my fart just growled at me.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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