I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
It's just like the Real World with babies
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
