So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
