wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
