i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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