My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
