life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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