Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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