marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I met the friendliest cop last night
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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