first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
You can't special order awesome
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
