Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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