Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
