it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
