i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
