you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
