I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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