if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
You left your phone here
Wait...
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