Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
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