I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
