Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
