I'm pants shitting drunk right now
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
