I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
