What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
