one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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