saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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