you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
i need to put some appletini on your dick
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Randomize
