so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
