Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
