what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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