I got chris browned last night
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize