If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
