This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
