I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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