i may or may not be watching the land before time
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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