Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
The air was thick with penises
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
