i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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