How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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